Happy President's Day, one and all!

Today we celebrate the proud heritage of our nation by honoring two of our greatest presidents: George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. We all know how George Washington defeated the Nazis and freed the Panama Canal during the War of 1812. And we've all watched the History Channel special on how Abraham Lincoln infiltrated the ranks of the slaves and lived among them for years, documenting their habits for the sake of science. But few of us know the actual truth behind the history.

President George Naomi Washington and Abraham "Danger" Lincoln were not on the best of terms. In fact, one could even go so far as to call them enemies. Their rivalry was something that all of America knew about, but no one was bold enough to talk about openly. At social gatherings when the two would happen to catch one another's eye from across the room, they would regard each other with an acrimonious "...Lincoln," "...Washington." An embittered moment of silence would pass and the two would part ways. This was the order of the day for many years until Washington's 45th birthday party when Lincoln decided to up the ante.

That fateful February 19th, Lincoln brought Washington a birthday present as was the order of the day. However, this wasn't your typical birthday present. After a game or two of pin the tail on the red-coat, a few plates of cake, and a rousing chorus of "Happy Birthday", it was time to open gifts. Ben Franklin had given Washington some anti-termite toothpaste for his teeth. Marie Antionette brought a jar of home-made preserves. John Hancock gave a cowboy hat (Washington's favorite present so far). The time came for Washington to open Lincoln's present. Shocked at the uncharacteristic gesture of kindness, Washington tore open the elaborately wrapped gift. Much to his chagrin, he did not find the Gameboy Advance he was hoping for...instead, Lincoln had given a pair of soiled undergarments which Washington instantly recognized as his own. It was on now.

Lincoln's birthday happened to be not but a week later. Washington, thirsty for vengeance showed up with a present of his own. Drunk on the revelry of opening presents from his best friends (Paul Revere, Captain America, and Leonardo D'Caprio), Lincoln didn't notice the small pink present that had snuck its way into the pile until it was too late. Though there was no indication as to who the present was from, the rotting skunk head inside the box clearly said "Love: Washington".

From that day forth, no matter what the occassion, Lincol and Washington made it a point to give the most horrible presents imaginable to one another. Since it would be crass and offensive to either party to simply refuse a gift, their silent and anti-generous war waged on until Washington was on his deathbed. In a vain attempt to say, "You're alright, Washington. Sorry I was so hard on you," Lincoln got him a pair of grey socks. The only problem was Washington hated the color grey more than he hated Nazis. And he hated Nazis a lot. A lot more than you do. According to legend, Washington died of anger right there on the spot.

And so, America has continued the tradition of our two greatest presidents to this day. On President's Day, honor your American heritage by getting someone you love (or hate) the most terrible present you can think of. Last year on President's day, I got a snake bite from my mom. This year, I gave a homework assignment to my friend Curtis. I'm already looking into obtaining some whale puke and a catapult for next year. Honor the traditions of our forefathers this year and give a terrible present to someone you care about. Do it for them. Do it for America.