Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous

You may think that living in Los Angeles is glamourous. You may think that living here, you'd see celebrities, producers, and camera crews every day. You might even be inclined to believe that you'd get stuck in traffic for an hour and fifteen minutes trying to drive 8 miles because there's a movie premier just down the road. If you believe these things, you're 100% correct.

Don't get me wrong - it is cool to be driving down Sunset and see Lawrence Fishburne (aka Morpheus) standing outside of the Actor's Guild building or to actually see Lenny Kravitz filming a music video on the street. But once the initial flash of "hey, look, a celebrity" fades, you realize that it's not actually cool. It is, in fact, extremely annoying.

I live in Korea Town and we're pretty gangsta down there. As such, CSI (both the show and real) often ropes off sections of the neighborhood to do their thing. That's fine and good for the rest of you, America, but where am I supposed to park? Nevermind that I want to go to Jack in the Box...Mr. Grissam has a pretend crime to solve!

Working in Hollywood, the easiest way to get to and from work is by way of Sunset Boulevard. Despite the fact that it's a major street in the city, not to mention a cultural landmark, the city of LA refuses to expand the street to more than two lanes. Oh, there's a third lane...but that's reserved for parked cars and buses most of the day. For three short hours during rush hour (funny that they call it rush HOUR when it lasts for 4 or 5 hours) they open that lane up so that cars can sit there without moving as opposed to sitting dead in one of the other two lanes. Every now and then, there's a premier for some rinky dink movie at some rinky dink theatre and they shut down the third lane, making the hottest bowels of Hell seem like a sweet alternative to the congested langour of LA traffic. Do we really have to torture 100,000 people just so Tyler Perry can walk down a red carpet at the premier of Madea Scared Stupid?
Another good example of how annoying the "glamour" of LA can be is the following anecdote: the other day, I was at work and I hear all this hullabaloo out in the hall. It turns out that Gene Simmons who (like every other has-been celebrity) has a reality show on (you guessed it) VH1. The crew is filming him as he and his girlfriend/wife/suitor/whatever visit the relationship counselor next door (the show would have you believe they do this regularly, but they've never been here once). But in a wacky twist, his ex shows up in the hall! Zoinks! Run for it Gene! Well, while he's in the counselor's office, his ex-wife is pacing the hall and his camera crew is set up in front of the bathroom snickering like a bunch of 7th graders who just wrote "penis" on their sleeping friend's forehead and he's about to wake up. The problem is, I really have to pee and they're set up right in front of the bathroom. They're not going to move because Gene could emerge from the relationship chamber at any moment. So I'm stuck doing the pee-pee dance for the next hour. Thanks a lot, Gene Simmons.
In short, what I'm saying is that, the next time you turn on the TV and see an awards show or a movie premier, just know that it's backing up traffic for miles. When you see Jack Bower saving the world from nuclear terrorist cyborgs, just know that someone had to give up their parking spot. When you turn on VH1, know that the bladder of some poor soul is burning as he holds it in and curses the day the devil gave birth to reality TV. This is the price of entertainment, America. I hope you're happy.