Music is my Curse

Sorry, this one's not funny like the others.

I find myself constantly torn between pragmatism and idealism.

On the one hand, I believe that music is the language of the soul; our ability to make sense of our condition as humans and, as such, is valuable beyond words. I've been blessed/cursed with a talent to create music and to touch the lives and inspire the hearts of people who listen. I say this is both a blessing and a curse because I can't see myself doing anything else with my life...and if I fail to create music-to succeed doing the only thing I'm good at, then my life is wasted and I am a failure. This wouldn't be such an obstacle to surmount if our society was different...but in the ears of the modern world, there is no more room for music in light of the almighty dollar.

I went to play a battle of the bands at BB King's last night. We promoted the show as best we could, but were only able to pre-sale 1 out of 35 tickets. Not the best of circumstances, but considering our push to get people at The Viper Room 2 weeks ago, I'm not surprised. After all, who wants to shell out another $10 for a show after you've already seen the band just the other day? Besides, when I spoke with the concert promoter on the phone, he said that 35 tickets were required to advance through the competition. I went to BB King's last night under the assumption that we simply wouldn't advance and I was okay with just getting the exposure from playing. Well, come to find out the rules change when there's money involved. The concert promoter pulled us outside after I turned in the pre-sale money and chewed us out for only selling one ticket and then for not letting him know we had only sold one ticket prior to the show (my guess is so he could replace us with another act...do you honestly expect artists to do that? For real?). I apologized, explained that many of our fans don't buy pre-sale tickets - they show up to the venue and buy tickets. He wasn't hearing it. He said we could either pay him $150 to play that night or go home. Really? We can pay $150 for the privelege of entertaining your guests so you can make money? Sounds like an awesome deal to me! Of course, I said, "I'm not going to pay you to play. That's not how this works." He said, "Okay, then screw you." So we went home without playing a show. We went through all the trouble of getting our stuff together, driving to Universal Studios, and moving all our equipment from the parking garage to the venue only to be told we didn't sell enough tickets (which we weren't told we had to sell to actually play in the first place) and we had to pay $150 to play that night. At least the people who showed up to see us got a refund (there were a few others there besides our 1 pre-sale)

Normally, this wouldn't be enough to really discourage me...but the band's been going through a lot lately. Our bass player called me a few days ago and informed me that he was quitting the band. He's going to stick it out for a few more shows, but it isn't his dream to be a professional musician. So we need to replace him. In losing Dayv, we lose both a rehearsal studio, a recording studio, and all notions of putting an album together by Spring of next year. So to everyone who was looking forward to the next album...sorry, but it's not happening for a long time now. I've developed a case of carpal tunnel syndrome. It hurts when I play guitar for more than about 15 minutes normally and some songs I can't play all the way through anymore. My thumb and first three fingers go numb and then start aching. I'm going to see the doctor about it, but I don't know how serious it is, whether this is permanent, or whether I'll be able to continue playing guitar. On top of all this, we can no longer use the name Heroes for Hire...it's taken by a band out of New Zealand who is actually a really big deal down there. If we continue to use the name, we'll be sued. So now we have to change the band's name...I've been wracking my brain for the last week and I have 3 pages of names, but nothing I like yet. Any "brand recognition" we had for Heroes goes down in smoke when we change our name. Even if we send out a mailer or let our fans know about the change, they have more important things going on and when they start getting emails from Empire for Ashes (just a sample name), they won't remember that it's us.

So basically it comes down to this - 2007 was a bust. The whole year has been wasted. Any progress we made this year is lost because we have to train a new bass player (and possibly a new guitar player if my wrist doesn't improve) to adapt to our sound. Then we have to build our fan base almost from the ground up again. I'm no closer to realizing my dream than I was when I left home for this dismal place two years ago. And I have to wonder...am I wasting my life? Should I move back home and get a desk job? At what point does bravery become stupidity? When does persistance become willing blindness? When do I see this as the mistake it really is?
And if it is a mistake, then I don't see a way I can ever be happy with my life. Music is what I do best (and I don't even do it very well). It's who I am. I know that sounds cliche, but it's very, very true. I honestly cannot see myself doing anything else and being fulfilled. And so this gift really is a curse...because there's no way for me to succeed in doing what I love and no way to love doing anything else.

Where does the problem ultimately lie? Is it in the rampant commercialism of our society? The fact that modern art is only as valuable as it is marketable? Or is it in my own shortcomings as a musician, visionary, and leader? My inability to get people to give up their hard-earned cash to some dive in exchange for a few songs? I feel like my fairly limited reserves of luck, persistance, and cleverness are quickly running dry. When they do, I can't say for sure where that will leave me. I need a victory, Lord. I need one soon.